


The T

by Dandee



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-10-05 14:51:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10310690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dandee/pseuds/Dandee
Summary: Aaron is sick. Justin pays him a visit.





	

Justin stared out of the window as Pittsburgh flew by him, the old familiar dinging of the T filling his ears. 

It rolled to a stop. Not his stop, though.

He watched as a few passengers stepped off the platform and hurried into their seats, no one taking a second look in his direction. They wouldn't anyway, people rarely spoke his name these days. He’d had his heyday. Things were simpler now.

These days, Justin's hair was peppered with gray, as well as his neatly-kept beard. These days his crown sat on the mantle, and instead a straw hat topped his head while he worked in his vineyard. These days he rarely went out after the sun went down, only every so often to the cellar, just to make sure his staff was running everything in tip-top shape. He now brought Alaska out of the cupboard only a few times a year, when he got a call from someone important. He viewed drag more as charity, more as a hobby these days.

It was a different world now, and he had a different life. So to be on the T once again, the subway that looked and operated exactly the way it did twenty years ago, holding a potted plant on his way to Allegheny felt… well, eerie.

The T dinged as it came to another stop. Still not his.

He’d been putting it off for a long time; Chad had messaged and called many times. The reality that Aaron was sick had never really sunk in. Justin was an out of sight, out of mind type of person, so if he never went to visit it was almost as if Aaron was never really sick.

If only that was how the world worked.

Justin glanced down at the cactus in his lap, then around at the inside of the train-car, his eyes eventually falling on a young couple sitting in the corner. Two young men, one pale with spiky blonde hair, leaning into the embrace of a boy with darker hair and bony elbows. They giggled together with laced fingers and closed eyes, an earbud of their shared headphones in one ear each. Justin watched them for a moment, feeling a sense of nostalgia wash over him, and when he blinked they were gone. 

This subway-- hell, this entire city-- left him with visions of the past everywhere he looked. Aaron was all over this city, his name still covering brick walls and bathroom stalls. Being in Pittsburgh brought Justin back, brought him to the days when Sharon and Alaska were no-name slobs, the jokes of the town, convinced they were gods. Perhaps _those_ were the simpler days. It was hard to tell.

It was on the T that they’d met.

It had played out as the stereotypical scene of online love-interests meeting for the first time in a subway station. Justin could see them now, stepping through the sliding doors, Aaron’s dazzling smile overwhelming him when they sat together awkwardly. Justin had been a nervous, knobby-kneed little thing but Aaron had been determined, and he’d asked him question after question, slowly pulling answers and personality out of the lanky queen. They’d sat in those subway seats and talked for hours, just running the line until a clerk eventually came by to check their tickets-- or rather, lack thereof. They’d laughed when she'd kicked them off the train, and they had walked hand in hand back to Aaron’s apartment. 

Another ding shook Justin from his thoughts. North Side, Allegheny General Hospital. This was his stop.

He squeezed himself through the people in the subway and stepped onto the platform, his eyes adjusting to the brightness of the sun as he realized the streets were no less crowded. Clutching his grocery bag and cactus to his chest, he headed down the sidewalk and began to make his way toward the giant, monumental building.

It felt even stranger to walk the streets of Pittsburgh again. This part of town had been entirely too wealthy for Justin and Aaron to ever dwell in, except of course when stirring up the occasional mischief. The smell of the air was the same, and the feel of the cool air whipping around the buildings brushed his cheeks like an old friend. The sound of cars buzzing by and the clinking of plates on patios caused his mind to wander once more, and he could suddenly see them again up ahead, hand-in-hand, a young Sharon running out of the old Italian restaurant and bounding down the stairs, dragging young Alaska behind her, who laughed wildly as she held her oversized sun hat firmly in place. He could see the owner of the restaurant running after them, shaking his first into the air and shouting Portuguese obscenities and Sharon looking back and tugging her girlfriend harder, snorting with giggles as they disappeared around the corner.

He grimaced when the building came into clear view. Justin had only been to Allegheny a handful of times, but he’d been here enough to know it wasn't exactly one of the nicer hospitals in the country. The foundation was cracked and the paint was yellowing. The doors had creaked as they slid open for him, and the elevator had groaned as it staggered to the fifth floor.

He wondered how it had gotten to this point, that _this_ was the hospital Aaron was subjected to.

He had never been great with money; perhaps that was why Chad had left him. Though Sharon Needles would always be immortalized in the drag world, time was a cruel master and stood still for no one. The party always eventually ended, and money would leave just as easily as it came if you didn't take care of it, something Aaron had never understood. Or if he did, he’d rather flat out ignore it.

And as he neared the room, Justin’s mind drifted to the last time he was here. He could remember coming to see Aaron when he’d gotten into a bar fight that landed him here overnight. He remembered gigging as Alaska at a club and leaving early when he got the call. He had raced through the corridors in high-whore drag, panic in his heart as he dramatically demanded to know where Aaron was and what had happened, declaring himself to be his wife. He could remember the nurse rolling her eyes and showing him into the ER, pulling back a bright yellow curtain to reveal a blonde fool wearing a proud smile, waving his cast in delight. 

This time things were a bit different when he opened the door.

Justin thought he had prepared himself for the worst, but froze when his eyes fell on the ghost of a man that lay in the bed. There was no spiky blonde hair, no dazzling smile to welcome him. His twig-like arms were folded gently over his body, covered in tubes that hooked to the machines surrounding him. The crest of his clavicles poked above the neck of his sweatshirt, his face gaunt and hollowed. His eyelids were dark and his chapped lips were parted as he snored lightly. Justin blinked for a moment as his eyes roamed over Aaron’s body in disbelief, and he felt his bottom lip begin to tremble.

No. Get it together. 

He sighed heavily and stepped into the room, leaning on the door as he gently shut it behind him.

The room was quiet except for the humming of medical equipment and the low drone of the television. Wheel of Fortune, no doubt… Justin shook his head. How could that show still be running, after all these years? He looked around the gloomy room and wondered if anyone who actually knew Aaron had been here to visit recently. Shaking his head, he set his bag on the table and moved to the window, taking the blinds and hastily pulling them upward, allowing the sunlight to run into the room. He took the cactus he’d wedged into the crook of his arm and set it on the windowsill, tilting his head as he arranged its long vines. He smiled and took a step back to admire the plant. There, he thought, that was at least a _little_ better.

“Hey, you.”

Justin jumped and whirled around to meet Aaron’s heavy-lidded gaze, that sly old smile gracing his lips. 

They stayed that way for a while, eyes locked, Justin’s own smile creeping onto his face. There they were, after all these years, and he still felt the surge of electricity that passed through them when their eyes met. Aaron slowly shifted his weight and propped himself up on his elbows, his smile growing wider as Justin crossed his arms and moved toward the bed. 

“Hey, Noodles.”

Aaron gave a short breath of a laugh and watched him with misty eyes. Justin grabbed one of his hands and took it into his own as he sat in the chair beside the bed.

Emotional couldn't even begin to describe it, the way Justin felt as he held Aaron’s bony hand and looked into his sunken eyes. His chest rose and fell heavily as he searched for the words, the words to say to his oldest friend who he hadn’t seen in years. The friend who had needed him long before today. Justin could feel nothing but guilt as he stared back into Aaron's calm, steady eyes, and Aaron seemed to be searching his face too, eventually looking over his hair and his shoulders, glancing to his arms and his hands, his eyes darting back to meet Justin's. Flashing that dark, familiar smile, he was finally the one to break the silence.

“ _Fuck_ you got old.”

Justin guffawed with laughter, totally caught off guard at his old friend’s crass humor. Aaron laughed with him, bringing his other hand around and gripping their locked hands affectionately. 

“Yeah, well,” Justin nodded in between chuckles, “It happens to the best of us.”

“And it's a festivus for the rest of us,” Aaron quipped with a smirk.

Justin shook his head and pulled a hand free to run through his hair, sifting through the gray patches. “God, it really is getting bad, isn’t it?”

“It is,” Aaron nodded. “I thought Don Knotts had come to take me away.”

Justin cackled again, lightly patting Aaron’s hand and rising from the chair. “Alright, well, I’ll see you later-”

“-wait, no, please don't go!” Aaron laughed in protest, reaching after him as he slipped away, “Please, I've waited so long for you to come. I lost the remote weeks ago, and I _really_ need you to change the channel.”

He stopped just shy of the door with a playful smile and placed a hand on his hip. “What, your nurse couldn’t do that for you?”

“Cristina Yang?” Aaron scoffed, “That tiny Asian bitch couldn't reach if she wanted to.”

Justin pursed his lips and strolled over to the television, standing on his toes to reach around the side. “That’s incredibly racist, you know. She probably wouldn't even get the reference, that show hasn't been on the air for twenty years.”

“And yet this show still survives,” Aaron sighed and motioned toward Wheel of Fortune with an open palm, letting his hand slap back down on his thigh as he watched Justin search for the right button. “I thought they would've let it die with Vanna White.”

“When Vanna White actually died,” Justin muttered, still struggling for the button, “I was beginning to think that woman was immortal.”

“You can just turn it off, actually,” Aaron offered as his eyes drifted to the window and fell to the cactus that sat on the sill. “Oh. You brought me a plant. How domestic.”

“Yes, I thought you'd like it,” he replied with a grin after shutting the TV off, then sauntered toward the window to rearrange the long, dread-like stems. “I had one on my porch, so I thought I’d just pull some from it and pot it for you.”

Aaron raised a brow. “Did you bring me a cactus to inspire me _not_ to die?”

Justin winced inwardly at the words but kept face, choosing to focus more intently on the cactus. “No, I gave up on telling you what to do a long time ago,” he sighed and chuckled lightly. “I just remembered how much you liked this one.”

“Only you would remember my cactus preference,” Aaron smiled fondly, “Medusa, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” Justin beamed as he turned to meet his eye, “Medusa’s Head Euphorbia. _Very_ good.”

“Some things you just can’t block out,” Aaron grinned. “How’s the vineyard, anyway?”

“It’s great,” he shrugged and leaned against the window, “Really great. We’ve, um, we’ve actually started distributing outside of the cellar and lounge, just to like, local liquor stores.”

“ _Really?_ ” Aaron asked with raised brows, “That's huge.”

Justin smiled shyly. “I mean it’s not a big deal… It’s a step in the right direction, but we’re not--”

“It is a big deal,” Aaron cut him off, his grin spreading, “Justin, that’s _great_. Look at you, you've wanted this for so long and now you're finally-- you’re-”

A hacking cough erupted from Aaron’s chest without warning, causing Justin to jump a bit. It was a sort of barking cough; the kind that went from a continuous hacking to a high-pitched wheezing, followed by sharp gasps for air. Aaron clawed at his chest and furrowed his brow as he tried to brush it off, shaking his head and waving Justin away when he took a few steps toward the bed.

“I'm-- I’m _fine_ ,” Aaron managed as he reached for his cup of water, his voice breaking at the end of his words.

“Clearly,” Justin said as he made his way to the bedside table, deciding to ignore Aaron’s now haphazard protests. “Here, sit up,” he spoke gently as he grabbed the cup just out of Aaron’s reach and placed it in his hands. Shooting him a look, Aaron took a few gulps and breathed heavily, his eyes closing briefly in exhaustion. It was only after a moment that Justin realized he’d begun to run a hand in small circles along his shoulders and upper back, and he could feel Aaron's body start to relax.

“I was gonna say,” Aaron cleared his throat, eyes glued to his cup but still leaning into Justin’s touch. “I was gonna say you're finally putting that green thumb of yours to good use.”

“Yeah, I guess I am.” Justin watched him take another sip and gave a light  
smile when their eyes met again, continuing to run his palm over his back.

Aaron shook his head and chuckled bitterly, rolling his eyes as he pulled away. “God, don't look at me like that.”

Justin stilled and quickly brought his arm back. “Like what?”

“Like I'm dying,” he replied in a low voice and gave a heavy sigh, his eyes falling to his hands. “Like I'm this sad thing to see. Everyone does it, but please don't. Not you.”

Justin felt a pang of guilt and inwardly kicked himself for having such a readable face. He blinked uncertainly and opened his mouth a few times to speak but shut it abruptly, his eyes narrowed in apprehension as he tried to think of what to say, how to respond, how to make Aaron _actually_ feel better.

But there was no way. There was nothing to say, there was no way to fix this. 

“I'm sorry,” Justin said quietly, taking Aaron's hand once more and frowning in thought. “I just… I don't know what to say. I don't know how to handle this.”

“No one does,” Aaron grinned sheepishly, squeezing his hand gently.

Again silence fell between them, and Justin concentrated on their intertwined hands, brushing his thumb over Aaron's knuckles. He could feel Aaron watching his face, watching his every expression. He wondered if he was trying to memorize it.

“I uh, I got you something else,” Justin broke the silence and glanced to meet his gaze.

“Oh?” Aaron arched a brow. “More presents? Is it a fern this time?”

Justin smirked and rose from the chair. “No, not exactly,” he answered, making his way to the table and sifting through his grocery bag, “And I don't know how conventional it is, so don't go telling Cristina Yang…”

Aaron poked his head up, attempting to see over Justin’s shoulder. “An inappropriate hospital gift? You have my attention.”

Justin only grinned and spun around, holding a cold Pabst Blue Ribbon in each hand.

“Ohh!” Aaron exclaimed in delight, his face lighting up as he clapped his hands together, rolling to his side with laughter. “No you _fucking_ didn't!”

“I did,” Justin drawled, sauntering toward him with a smile and a devilish gleam in his eye.

“But how did you-- where did you find them? I didn't even know they made those anymore.”

“A vintner has his ways.” Justin winked and offered one of the cans to him. “I’ll bring you another one tomorrow.”

“Woman after my own heart,” Aaron murmured and shook his head, taking the beer and cracking it open. He moaned at the first sip, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back. “Oh _God_ that's good.”

Justin smiled and opened his own, then held it out toward him. “Cheers.”

“You’re joining me? Breaking your ‘wine only’ policy?” Aaron asked. At Justin's nod, he raised his brows in surprise but toasted him all the same, and the two of them grinned at one another behind their cans. 

It was easy, Justin thought, how they just seemed to pick up where they left off.

It was easy to make Aaron laugh, his old wheezy cackle filling the room, that dazzling smile returning when they recounted old stories and fell into fits of laughter. 

It was easy to feel like young Alaska again. Like there had been this part of Justin hiding away, a part that he’d somehow reserved for Aaron alone, a part of himself he’d left behind so long ago. It was easy to feel like there wasn't anything outside of this room. Perhaps for Aaron, there wasn't anymore. 

It was easy to talk about what was happening. Aaron explained how Hospice worked and what the next steps were. He talked about signing the paperwork that would deem him ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ and how easy that decision had been. It was easy to take his hand while he spoke of the end, and it was surprisingly easy to hold back the tears as Justin stared into his darkened eyes.

It was easy for Justin to climb into the bed and slide under the sheets beside him when Aaron finally broke down and cried.

He held him close, wrapping his arms tightly around his frail body and rested his chin atop his head while he cried into his shirt. Aaron clung to him, pulled him as close as he could until he seemed to disappear in his arms, and Justin ran his fingers along the back of his neck, whispering words of love and reassurance over and over until his breathing evened and his tears came slower. They stayed quiet for a long time after.

It was easy to lay there with him. It was easy to look into Aaron’s eyes and see him simply looking back. There were so many things left unsaid, and they both knew there would never be enough time to even begin to try. They only laid there, inches from one another, and Justin linked his pinky loosely with Aaron’s, something they used to do when they were young. Justin watched Aaron’s smile form at the familiarity of it.

“Promise me something.”

Justin blinked back at him steadily. “Okay.”

“When I'm gone,” Aaron swallowed hard and narrowed his eyes in thought, then brought their fingers to his lips, placing a whisper of a kiss to the side of Justin’s palm. “Promise me you won’t cry.”

Justin worried his lip and closed his eyes as he began to shake his head. “Aaron...”

"Promise me," he whispered, scooting forward to press his forehead against Justin's. He brushed Justin's cheek with his thumb. "Please. I hate it when you cry. I always have."

Justin felt the tears pooling at the bottom of his eyes despite best his efforts to fight them off, and he felt the corners of his mouth turn downward as he choked back a sob.

“Please,” Aaron chuckled softly, his thumb brushing the tears that slipped from his eyes, “Please just smile instead.”

Justin nodded against his forehead, his eyes still closed, unable to speak. 

“God,” Aaron mused, his thumbs now brushing both of his cheeks. “Stupidest thing I ever did, letting you go.”

Justin's eyes flew open to meet his, and they stayed that way, forehead to forehead, looking into each other’s eyes. Justin ran his hand up and down Aaron's arm until his eyes began to close, his body giving way to tiredness, and he eventually drifted into a sound sleep. Justin watched him for a few moments before carefully slipping out of the bed and quietly stepping out of the room.

In the morning, Justin recognized the poetic cruelty of things often ending as they began.

It was on the T that he got the call.

The morning light stung his eyes as his phone slipped from his hand, the beers falling out of his grocery bag and rolling onto the floor.

It had been peaceful, Chad said. He had passed in his sleep. He’d never woken up.

Justin stared at the empty seats in front of him hollowly.

The T dinged. North Side, Allegheny General Hospital. This was his stop. 

Except that it wasn’t. 

It wasn’t his stop. It would never again be his stop, because Aaron wasn’t there. Aaron wasn’t anywhere. Aaron would never be anywhere ever again and _oh God_ the pain in Justin’s stomach was too much as his hand flew to cover his mouth and his silent scream. It was too much, it was all so unfinished. There was so much more to say, so much more that he never could.

He sobbed into his palm and doubled over in his seat.

People stepped off the platform and hurried into their seats, no one taking a second look in Justin’s direction. Not that they would, anyway. No one cared if you cried on the T.

As Justin pulled his face up from his palms, utterly wrecked, he glanced around the inside of the train-car, and his eyes fell to a pale, spiky-haired blonde in the corner.

The young man looked at him with misty eyes and flashed him a dazzling smile, and when Justin blinked, he was gone.

 

**********

_Weeks Later_

Justin lifted the hat from his head and pressed the back of his glove to his forehead, wiping the sweat from his brow. He placed the hat back on and stepped down from the ladder, his eyes roaming over the netting that hung above him. He took a few steps back and placed a hand on his hip, the sun cutting his vision as he searched for more holes.

“Hey, Dad.”

He turned to watch the boy walking up the hill toward him, his smattering of blonde hair shining in the light.

“Hey, you,” he called, holding an arm out and turning his attention back to the net. The boy fell into his half hug and thrust a cold water bottle into his hand.

“Thanks.” Justin rubbed his shoulder and kissed him quickly on the temple, then cracked the bottle open. “Where’s your father?”

“Out back with Abby.” He crossed his arms, now looking over the netting with him. “Told me to ask you what we’re doing for dinner.”

“Well, nothing, if I can't keep these birds out,” Justin sighed and took a swig of water, then shook his head as he screwed the cap back on. “We’ll have no money for food and we’ll starve.”

The blonde chuckled, the same toothy grin that Justin had fallen in love with decades ago spreading across his young features. “Alright. Do you-- is that what you want me to tell him?”

“Sure,” he replied quickly, making his way back up the ladder.

“Okay,” the boy smiled and shook his head, but before he could make it halfway down the hill, he stopped abruptly and turned on his heel. “Oh! I almost forgot, I, uh.. I hope you don’t mind, but I, uh... I repotted one of your plants.”

“Did you?” Justin raised a brow as he fiddled with the net.

“Well, yeah… I mean I didn't take the whole thing, I just took some of it and put into another pot.”

“Really?” Justin asked, inwardly entertained at his son’s green thumb. “Which one?”

“That one cactus you have, the crazy one, with all the vines.” The boy squinted in thought as he racked his brain. “Uh, Medusa, I think?”

Justin dropped the net momentarily, but caught it before it hit the ground. Clearing his throat, he turned to face his son. “Medusa’s Head Euphorbia,” he annunciated.

“Yeah, that one!” the boy exclaimed and snapped his finger. “Yeah, sorry, I hope you don't mind, I just saw it was overgrown and it looked like you had extra… I just really love that one, you know? I think it’s my favorite.”

Justin stared down at him and blinked for a moment, and at the boy’s look of question, he smiled fondly.

“Well if it’s your favorite, I don't mind at all.”

The blonde beamed and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Cool.”

Justin turned back to the netting and pulled a small pair of shears from his pocket, aiming for a dried-out leaf.

“Hey Dad?”

“Yeah,” he grunted, the pair of shears now in his mouth as he worked through the vines to find the leaf.

“You okay?”

Justin stopped for a moment and pulled his arms out, grabbing the shears and turning to look at his boy. He looked at him for a long time, a smile gracing his lips as he tried to keep his mind from drifting to another place.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine. Tell your father to get Abby cleaned up. We’re going out tonight.”

The boy’s blue eyes sparkled, and he flashed one more toothy grin before bounding down the hill toward the house. Justin shook his head and turned his attention back to his work, reaching with his shears and snipping the dead leaf from the vine. 

He couldn't help but smile.


End file.
